March 5, 2006

Suggested White House responses to the latest job approval rating showing Bush at 34 percent and Cheney at 18: "Are you sure those numbers aren't Celsius?"

"If we spent all day worrying about polls, we wouldn't have time to do our job of disappointing the American people."

"The sampling's unfair. Did they call anyone in the top 2 percent income bracket? What about people on a cruise?"

"Granted, Bush and Cheney at 34 and 18 is a bit low. But if add them up, it comes to 52, which isn't bad."

"Cheney's low percentage is bound to rise. Especially if they take away the key to his gun cabinet."

March 12, 2006

A guy named Robert Sillerman paid $100 million for the rights to Elvis' name and likeness. When The King "appears" somewhere - will he have to clear it with Sillerman?

The new Geico insurance TV ads aren't working. The talking gecko has a cockney accent so thick he's about as understandable as the Aflac duck.

A generation after the government broke up AT&T, the company is permitted to buy Bell South. Looks like Ma Bell is putting her old weight back on.

Technology makes it easier to spy on your teenager. Instead of searching her bedroom, take a cue from the government and monitor her instant messaging. Big Brother, meet Big Mother.

We have a choice between change and more of the same. If the Democrats win, we can have both.

March 26, 2006

The Senate is taking up an immigration bill that criminalizes helping illegal immigrants, including feeding them. Will illegals be required to wear a sign: "Do Not Feed"?

I'm wondering where in the Bible it says, "Before you feed the hungry, check out their immigration status."

Giving first-aid to an illegal is also a no-no in this bill, which has already passed in the House of (Godly) Representatives.

My friend, columnist Molly Ivins, said it best: "If God keeps hangin' around politicians, it's going to hurt his reputation."