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A message from Congress to DHS employees: "Do not panic. Food stamps are on the way."

As environmentalists cheered, President Obama vetoed the Keystone Pipeline bill. He then went outside and hugged a tree -- as Joe Biden hugged all the women.

President Obama has issued fewer vetoes than President Millard Fillmore but I doubt Obama appreciated being compared to Millard Fillmore.

Jeb Biden's allies: "He's his own man."  Jeb Bush's opponents: "He's his own brother."

One more indication that Hillary is running -- she has been working on her Patricia Arquette impersonation.

Congress is back to take up the Republicans' top agenda item: a joint resolution declaring that President Obama loves America," as far as we know".

Rudy Giuliani says he doesn't think Obama loves America. In this lovely political climate, Obama will have to take a polygraph or wear a battery operated flag pin that blinks on and off.

Renowned theologian and Wisconsin governor, Scott Walker, says he doesn't know if President Obama is a Christian. As a Christian, I don't know if Walker is an idiot.

Oh, I get it -- it's the Christians who love America versus the Democrats. But which are the Shiites and which are the Sunnis?

Let us stop this medieval religious suspicion so we can focus on whether to send troops to a region torn apart by medieval religious suspicion. 

The nation's first bisexual governor has taken the oath of office in Oregon. On two Bibles, I assume.

I keep confusing American Sniper, the movie, with American Sniper, the trial which serves as a plug for the movie. No popcorn at the trial, I assume.

A federal judge's ruling puts a stay on the Republican gimmick to shut down Homeland Security and blame it on the Democrats. Boehner put out a memo: "The blackmail is postponed."

Obama says he is using "strategic patience" regarding the war in Ukraine. Strategic patience? Is there a Ukrainian word for "huh"?

If the Clintons get back in the White House, they will have so many megabucks Clinton Foundation contributors to thank, the Lincoln Bedroom will need a wider bed. 

Who pulled the trigger and shot bin Laden? Brian Williams, that's who.

Who parachuted from the Asia Airline's plane? Brian Williams, it's true.

When John McCain crash landed in Hanoi, Who was his copilot? Brian, our boy.

Soon to be host of "Good Morning, Troy".

Lyin' Brian -- oy!

Now that the Super Bowl triviality is over, let us return to the Main Event -- Deflategate, aka, The Ball That Farted.

"Get out of here, you low life scum" barked John McCain to the Code Pink protestors. We haven't heard a public outburst like that since Simon Cowell was a judge on "American Idol".

People are asking what would happen if Hillary decided not to run. I'll tell you. A grateful President Jeb Bush would make her birthday a federal holiday.

"You have reached the Secret Service. If you wish to report a drone landing in the White House Rose Garden, press 1. If you wish to report a drone landing on the Truman Balcony, press 2. If you wish to report a drone crashing through the roof and landing on the president's desk -- the number you have dialed is no longer in service."

The new year is going well for John Boehner (sarcasm, mine). First he survived a Tea Party coup to overthrow him. Then a bartender in Ohio threatened to poison him. Boehner already has Secret Service protection, so you know he's in danger.

Republicans in Congress delayed their anti-abortion bill until they can agree on what rape is. I can think of 35 women in the news who could fill them in.

If Mitt Romney runs for president yet again, his religion could once more be an issue -- the Church of Latter Day Losers.

Our planet is but a speck of dust rotating around a minor star in a remote corner of an obscure galaxy in a universe that is 20 billion years old. Ponder this and tell me if the air in a football is important.

President Obama's State of the Union address had a clear theme: The Democrats won the midterm election.

As Biden and the Democrats performed the festive rite of bobbing up and down, Boehner and the Republicans had to send out for more glue to put on their seats.

Practically nothing could bring John Boehner to his feet -- calls for equal pay for women, curing cancer, child care or sick leave. This old dog was trained by the Tea Party: "Sit".

Delivering the Republican response, freshman senator Joni Ernst channeled Charles Dickens as she recalled having to wear bread bags on her feet as a child. This was the only comedy relief of the entire evening.

Earlier in the day, wiser council came from Rome when Pope Francis admonished Catholics to "stop breeding like rabbits". In Ireland alone, thousands of women and rabbits said, "now he tells us."

They may revert to the Vatican-approved birth control: two Saint Joseph aspirin between the knees.

 

The last time I saw Paris, the city was in shock.

With all the world leaders there. But wait -- where was Barak?

He could have sent Joe Biden. Uncle Joe would be a hit.

Right-wingers went ballistic and Fox News was in a snit.

 

We could have sent the Clintons there to pay respects to all

we could have sent John Kerry there, he's more French than Charles de Gaulle.

 

One more strike against  Obama, at Fox a daily scene

As those morning Marie Antoinettes send him to the guillotine.

Brand spanking new Congress, Week One: Mitch McConnell tells the arriving freshmen not to be "scary". He didn't rule out creepy.

Defying a sacred tradition, McConnell notifies the members that they will be working five days a week!  Watch for casual Benghazi Investigation Fridays.

Speaker John Boehner was quick to punish members of the failed coup to overthrow him. The assigned parking places of the traitors were relocated to Virginia and their perks were surgically removed.

Senator Lindsay Graham blames President Obama for the Paris newspaper massacre. Which I believe is an impeachable offense -- committed by Graham.

The opening Bipartisan Good Fellowship Congressional luncheon had to be postponed. The food tasters had a scheduling conflict.

I'm working on a Broadway show about Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush, but I'm stuck for a title. How about "New Faces of 1990"?

Obviously, Jeb must cope with the dynasty factor, having been born a Bush. Just what we need -- another president with a problem birth certificate.

But if you don't think that a man can succeed his own brother as president -- I give you Cuba.

Who would Jeb Bush's vice president be? I don't know. Does Dick Cheney have a brother?

Another possible candidate is Ted Cruz, the dark horse of the apocalypse. I saw him on Capitol Hill the other day, walking his pet werewolf.

 

 

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