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Stop the presses! Republicans change position on Social Security. You are entitled to entitlements, after all.  At least until November 4.

Ebola named Official Disease of the American media.

In New York City, you can catch it in a bowling alley -- unless you are wearing a protective bowling shirt.

Washington, DC rabbi charged with secretly filming women taking a ritual bath. He may not make it to the Voyeur Film Festival.

The more I watch the Ebola Channel (any of them)the more I feel the symptoms.

In other words, you could get Ebola from too much exposure to television news.

By the time this is over, Fox and MSNBC may have killed more people than Ebola.

Why do we need an Ebola Czar? For the same reason we had an Energy Czar and a Drug Czar. So the government can look busy.

So far, they are treating this disease with massive doses of baloney.

Fear mongering, Texas style: The lieutenant governor says that Muslim prayer rugs were found on the Mexican border. So far, there are no camels in the Alamo.

Republicans are blaming Obama for Ebola and they haven't ruled out mumps.

Republicans' dreams will come true when an ISIS terrorist who has Ebola walks across the Texas border and goes to Washington where he jumps over the White House fence and the Secret Service asks if he's had lunch.

If the Republicans capture the Senate, what will that mean to the average person? It will mean that we will still have 50 states where most people don't know who their senators are.

 

Vietnam metaphor: Light at the end of the tunnel.  Syria metaphor: Where's the tunnel?

In his new book, "Screwing Obama", Leon Panetta says that the president should lead instead of acting like a professor. This made Obama so upset, he dropped his study guide.

Panetta used several more items seemingly lifted from the Republican playbook. Limbaugh may charge plagiarism.

Democratic candidates have imposed a three-state rule: If Obama wants to speak in support of them, he must make the speech at least three states away.

Running in Alaska, Senator Mark Begich sent the president a message: Please don't come any closer than Oregon.

 

Two more beheadings are needed in order for President Obama to maintain his thin approval margin on Syria.

Obama said we had faulty intelligence when assessing the strength of ISIS, also known as ISIL, also known as a good reason to only watch the Cartoon Network.

Some say we had faulty intelligence when we elected Obama.

Here's an update on Chelsea's baby: The baptism will be in Iowa.

It has become mandatory for Democrats running for the senate to fire a rifle in their campaign ads -- in touch with their inner Charleston Heston.

I bought a Mitch McConnell bobble head doll, but it wouldn't bobble.

If that fence jumping White House intruder had been a prostitute, the Secret Service agents would have been all over her.

 

We're on the Road to DamascusThat's Syria in case you've lost track.Why Syria? We knew you would ask usTo Bring peace like we did in Iraq.

Behold the new hawkish ObamaWhat happened to our leading dove?And what have we here -- a new liberal cheer"Make war, not love."

We have a coalition to help in this campaignSaudis and Jordanians, Qatar and Bahrain.We hope to hear from LuxembourgAnd with luck from ChadDare we hope for Monaco?We hear their army is bad.

We're off on the road to DamascusThree pledges, please pass them around.I'll respect you in the morning.The check is in the mail.There will be no boots on the ground.

The NFL scandal boils down to this: what did Roger Goodell know and when did he start worrying about the Budweiser account?

How did the White House fence jumping intruder, Omar Gonzales manage to reach the front door? He ran unopposed.

Some Republicans at the fence were caught on camera yelling, "Go, Omar, Go!"

Don't ask me how they knew his name, I'm a reporter, not an explainer.

Mr. Gonzalez told police that he wanted to warn the president that the atmosphere was collapsing. He might have added: "along with the Secret Service's image."

Are you getting an iphone 6? I hear it comes with a catheter kit.

Did the NFL see the second Ray Price tape a long time ago? Rogr that.

Roger Goodell, get it? National Football League Commissioner? A penalty flag in the elevator? Oh -- you only follow junior college badminton? Sorry.

Once again, we call upon the feckless Iraqi army to rescue its own country -- under its commander, Inspector Clouseau.

Rip van Winkle just woke up. In Ferguson, MO, the Civil Rights movement is just beginning. In Ukraine, the Cold War is just beginning and obviously the Iraq War is just beginning. I'm surprised they didn't give an Emmy to "The Beverly Hillbillies". 

Should we make Groundhog Day a legal holiday?

Exhausted from doing nothing, the do-nothing Congress took an August vacation to rest up for the proposed government shut down this Fall. You can't fault them for inconsistency.

Why another shutdown? A: It felt so good the last time. B: To punish Obama for doing something presidential. C: It saves gas.

The answer is B. Republicans threaten a shutdown if Obama orders an immigration overhaul which the House has bottled up since the Alamo fell.

 

At this writing, the red-hot Washington Nationals are seven-and-a-half games ahead of the second place Atlanta Braves. This is the first time Washington has had anything to cheer about since Congressman Eric Cantor was thrown out of the game.

Definition of irony: A Braves fan doing that goofy tomahawk chop while complaining about how offensive the name "Washington Redskins" is.

Incidentally, there will be a name change regarding DC's football team. They will soon be playing in Wounded Knee Stadium.

How long has it been since a Washington baseball team has had this smashing a record? Let's see. The president was Herbert Hoover, alcohol was illegal and Larry King was in Little League.

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