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Republicans are threatening President Obama with analogies regarding his expected amnesty for illegals: He will be playing with matches. He will be pulling the pin on a live grenade. He will be pulling the pin on a live grenade while playing with matches.

Further warnings are expected: If Obama takes executive action on illegals, he will be wrestling with a crocodile. (Ted Cruz?)

He will be skinny dipping in a tankful of piranhas. Neutering an un-medicated Rottweiler?

Tending a beehive while naked? Should the Republicans have an amnesty analogy contest, these are my entries.

 

The voters have spoken.  Unfortunately they also voted.

With a Republican Senate, a Republican House and a Democrat in the White House, the stars are in perfect alignment for the sky to fall.

Which means a smooth transition from a do-nothing Congress to a do-even-less Congress.

The Palin Torch was passed to Iowa's senator-elect, Joni Ernst who proclaimed "when I get to Washington, I'm gonna make 'em squeal." She will be the chairwoman of the Senate Castration Caucus.

Ironically, gas prices are down, unemployment is down, stocks are up and Obama's approval rating is down. If things continue to improve, Obama will have to be impeached.

 

A government spokesman calls Benjamin Netanyahu "chicken ---". Michael Jordan calls President Obama a "--- golfer". What a country! The land of the crude and the home of the bleep.

For a graduate of William & Mary Jon Stewart has a pretty foul mouth, whose punch line is often "mother ---"

It's been said that dying is easy and comedy is hard.  With assured laughs with the F-bomb, comedy is easy.

Recall George Carlin's seven dirty words you couldn't say on television.  Today, they are almost required.

Stop the presses! Republicans change position on Social Security. You are entitled to entitlements, after all.  At least until November 4.

Ebola named Official Disease of the American media.

In New York City, you can catch it in a bowling alley -- unless you are wearing a protective bowling shirt.

Washington, DC rabbi charged with secretly filming women taking a ritual bath. He may not make it to the Voyeur Film Festival.

The more I watch the Ebola Channel (any of them)the more I feel the symptoms.

In other words, you could get Ebola from too much exposure to television news.

By the time this is over, Fox and MSNBC may have killed more people than Ebola.

Why do we need an Ebola Czar? For the same reason we had an Energy Czar and a Drug Czar. So the government can look busy.

So far, they are treating this disease with massive doses of baloney.

Fear mongering, Texas style: The lieutenant governor says that Muslim prayer rugs were found on the Mexican border. So far, there are no camels in the Alamo.

Republicans are blaming Obama for Ebola and they haven't ruled out mumps.

Republicans' dreams will come true when an ISIS terrorist who has Ebola walks across the Texas border and goes to Washington where he jumps over the White House fence and the Secret Service asks if he's had lunch.

If the Republicans capture the Senate, what will that mean to the average person? It will mean that we will still have 50 states where most people don't know who their senators are.

 

Vietnam metaphor: Light at the end of the tunnel.  Syria metaphor: Where's the tunnel?

In his new book, "Screwing Obama", Leon Panetta says that the president should lead instead of acting like a professor. This made Obama so upset, he dropped his study guide.

Panetta used several more items seemingly lifted from the Republican playbook. Limbaugh may charge plagiarism.

Democratic candidates have imposed a three-state rule: If Obama wants to speak in support of them, he must make the speech at least three states away.

Running in Alaska, Senator Mark Begich sent the president a message: Please don't come any closer than Oregon.

 

Two more beheadings are needed in order for President Obama to maintain his thin approval margin on Syria.

Obama said we had faulty intelligence when assessing the strength of ISIS, also known as ISIL, also known as a good reason to only watch the Cartoon Network.

Some say we had faulty intelligence when we elected Obama.

Here's an update on Chelsea's baby: The baptism will be in Iowa.

It has become mandatory for Democrats running for the senate to fire a rifle in their campaign ads -- in touch with their inner Charleston Heston.

I bought a Mitch McConnell bobble head doll, but it wouldn't bobble.

If that fence jumping White House intruder had been a prostitute, the Secret Service agents would have been all over her.

 

We're on the Road to DamascusThat's Syria in case you've lost track.Why Syria? We knew you would ask usTo Bring peace like we did in Iraq.

Behold the new hawkish ObamaWhat happened to our leading dove?And what have we here -- a new liberal cheer"Make war, not love."

We have a coalition to help in this campaignSaudis and Jordanians, Qatar and Bahrain.We hope to hear from LuxembourgAnd with luck from ChadDare we hope for Monaco?We hear their army is bad.

We're off on the road to DamascusThree pledges, please pass them around.I'll respect you in the morning.The check is in the mail.There will be no boots on the ground.

The NFL scandal boils down to this: what did Roger Goodell know and when did he start worrying about the Budweiser account?

How did the White House fence jumping intruder, Omar Gonzales manage to reach the front door? He ran unopposed.

Some Republicans at the fence were caught on camera yelling, "Go, Omar, Go!"

Don't ask me how they knew his name, I'm a reporter, not an explainer.

Mr. Gonzalez told police that he wanted to warn the president that the atmosphere was collapsing. He might have added: "along with the Secret Service's image."

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