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What I learned from the debate -- and I knew you'd ask: The best way to beat ISIS is for General Douglas MacArthur to stop and frisk Rosie O'Donnell.

Both candidates appeared presidential but in Trump's case, President Mussolini.

If mugging and eye rolling were statesmanlike traits, Trump would be George Washington.

Moderator Lester Hold was missing for awhile. Did he duck out for a drink? They should have tied a yellow ribbon around his chair.

Trump made a snide remark about people who weigh 400 pounds. There goes Christie's support.

Hillary recalled her father being in the drapery business. Which may explain the red pants suit.

In the end, we are left with the question: where are Trump's tax returns? Maybe somebody should frisk Jimmy Hoffa.

A chronicle of lies: The check is in the mail, I'll respect you in the morning, Mr. Trump wishes Secretary Clinton a speedy recovery.

Pneumonia, rhymes with bologna, a condition which can mask a more serious condition in an election year.

Conspiracy du jour: The secret service discovered anthrax in a get well card sent to Mrs. Clinton by Vladimir Putin.

Many public figures were not held back by less than perfect health. FDR was in a wheel chair. JFK had Addison's disease. And every time Dick Cheney's defibrillator beat, he invaded another country.

Hillary is 68 and Trump is 70. In the opinion of this senior citizen, neither candidate is qualified due to their youth and inexperience.


Was there sexual harassment going on at Fox News? Roger that.

How proud Texans must be that their former governor, Rick Perry is on "Dancing with the Stars" -- a high honor never achieved by those lesser Texans, Sam Houston, Stevin Austin and Lyndon Johnson.

Perhaps ABC could produce a spin-off: "Dancing with the Other Losing Presidential Candidates".

You haven't lived until you've seen Chris Christie doing the tango with Carly Fiorina. Or Ted Cruz and Ben Carson doing graceful justice to the Cha Cha.

USA: Our enemy is the Syrian regime.
Syrian Rebels: Our enemy is the Syrian regime.
Kurds: Ditto -- Count us in.
Turks: We're with you guys.

Turks: On second thought -- Down with the Kurds!
Kurds: Hey Turks -- don't F*** with us!
Syrian Rebels: Turks and Kurds, get off my lawn!
USA: Can we all get along?

Syrian Regime: Tell Putin we don't need him.

Oh, dear. Trump is getting all wobbly on immigration. To deport or not to deport? If I was an illegal, I wouldn't know what or when to pack.

Donald's latest clarification was in Arizona at a Latino church. Subtle, isn't he? How about a Taco Bell where he'll change his name to Donaldo?

Prediction: Hillary will be sworn in as president next January 20th. On January 21st, the Republican majority will begin the impeachment process.

When the process is completed, vice president Tim Kaine will become president. Recall how fluent in Spanish Kaine is. After Hillary is impeached, Kaine will be deported.

Stay with me. The next in line of succession is the Republican Speaker of the House. Paul Ryan becomes president.

At which point, our churches and liquor stores will be full.
Psychiatrists haven't the time to analyze Trump or Hillary's mental state. The shrinks are too busy treating the rest of us.

In this snake pit of an election year, the entire country is on the couch.

And poor Uncle Sam's treatments aren't even covered by Obamacare.

When they write the history of The Election of 2016, it should be called "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."
Donald Trump's tax returns are hidden somewhere. Let's call them his weapons of mass deductions.

The tax code allows Donald to write off his suits as a business expense because he owns a line of clothing. Which includes his supporters' brown shirts.

No, his supporters are not Nazis. I was just being sarcastic.

I guess the slaves in Bangladesh who make his caps don't pay taxes either.

Hey -- Trump doesn't really own slaves. Again, I was being sarcastic. On, second thought, maybe not.
Here's the question facing America today? Why should we let Donald Trump anywhere near the nuclear button when he doesn't have all of his own buttons?

Philly, Day Four:

Hillary's acceptance speech can be boiled down into six words: You want it? You got it.

Maybe 12 words: Go forth and on your way out, pat Bernie on the head.

Earlier, General John Allen did his imitation of George C. Scott in the movie, "Patton".

Our country is not as dark as Trump describes and not as sunny as Hillary describes. It's something in between -- partly cloudy with a chance of locusts.


To borrow a word from Uncle Joe Biden, the American people must decide which candidate has the better malarkey.

Philly, Day Three:

Democrats, be grateful. You will never have it this easy.

An opponent who grotesquely mocks people with cerebral palsy? Check.

An opponent who asks the Russians to hack into the United States? Check.

An opponent who is playing the treason card? Check.

But not playing with a full deck? Like I said -- be grateful.

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